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A Close Encounter

A near death experience.

Having been fortunate enough to have a 'near death' experience and survive to tell the tale, I recorded the event as soon as possible after leaving the hospital before the images, so vivid at the time, fade from the memory.

Before describing the near death event, I need first to go back a month to explain the physical events that led up to the sudden crisis because I think that they do have a major impact on the imagery involved. The heart attack took place over 4 or 5 days at the beginning of September. It took the form of chest pains, and a feeling like indigestion in the middle of the chest. The pain was never very intense, I would describe it as uncomfortable rather than painful. As a consequence I did not do anything about it except to take an aspirin each time the pain came on and this usually brought relief in 10 or 15 minutes. However, the damage was done in the form of an impaired left ventricle which has, for one of it's more important functions, the job of circulating the blood through the lungs. Over the following three weeks the blood flowed too slowly through the lungs so that fluid seeped out and accumulated in the lungs. I found that I was increasingly suffering from shortage of breath whenever I did anything active.

The change from shortage of breath that had been bothering me for some days to the choking crisis was very sudden. I suppose that the oxygen quantities reaching the heart suddenly passed the critical point and in the space of a minute I went from a shortage of breath to a gasping desperately for breath. Within a few moments I knew that I was in very serious trouble fighting and gasping for air, yet failing to get enough into the lungs to gain any relief. This is a most frightening and painful experience, the sensation of choking to death, the heaving of the chest and the painful but stubborn struggle of the heart to keep going even though it was so short of its vital fuel. I felt so upset that my wife should have to watch helplessly this ugly sight of me struggling to breath - There was nothing she could do apart from calling the ambulance and she has since told me that she thought that it was the end. I had a huge desire to cough up whatever it was that was blocking my lungs but to my horror I found that no matter how hard tried I could no longer cough. It seems as though the fluid level in the lungs reaches a certain point where it 'drowns' the cough mechanism, rendering it inoperative. When the ambulance men arrived one of their first actions was to put me on oxygen but I was most disappointed to find that it gave me no relief from the terrible choking sensation. I suppose that it must have enabled the heart to keep going, but it was several hours before the terrible gasping and struggling for breath was too ease off.

The above is the rather ugly description of my physical situation at the time, but now I want to turn to the much more interesting 'mental imagery' that accompanies this situation. By the time I reached the Emergency Department of the Hospital I knew that I was very close to death. Suddenly, like a searchlight being turned on with a switch the 'death image' appeared in full technicolour. To my intense surprise, I found that death was just below me! Why I should be surprised I don't know for I have never before given this matter any thought. Imagine being in a room with the water level rising until there is only a small gap between the water and the roof - now turn this upside down and I found myself in the small gap between the water level and the floor - and the floor was death. Death is in no way like the pictures depicted by artists of the Grim Reaper. In actual fact Death is a MOST attractive state. I found myself being drawn towards it and I knew that all I had to do was to stretch out my hand and make contact. (Obviously the attraction of death is directly related to the degree of distress and pain being suffered).

It did not speak, or initiate any form of action. It was a 'still dark pool' below me. It was simply a state of 'non-existence' or perhaps I should say 'non-life'. Although it did nothing positive in any way, I knew that the moment I made contact all suffering would cease, all pain would end, there would be no more struggle, and that I would slip down into the utter tranquility and peace of non-existence. All the time in the ambulance and in the emergency department of the hospital I was aware on the physical level of the continuing struggle to breathe, the pounding of the heart, the choked lungs which is both painful and frightening. In contrast to this ugly physical side of the life struggle was the option of death - so free of all the worldly pain and effort.

The death option was so attractive, so seductive, so desirable, so close and within reach. I now understand how, when the time is right, death will be welcomed with pleasure and delight.

At this stage the two dominating sensations were -
(a) On the physical level the struggle of the heart to keep on going combined with the terrible choking and suffocating sensation and the emergency team's efforts to revive me, and
(b) On the mental level the seductive siren voice of death promising the end of all pain and struggle.

But it is not a simple as that! I was aware of six people fighting to keep me alive, I was probably drifting in and out of a state of being conscious and unconscious and all the time I was in great distress longing, even desperate for some release from the frightening struggle to breathe. I could clearly hear when they spoke to me and answer them, yet was almost unaware of all the things they did to me! Into this mixture came my unconscious mind. Without any effort or positive thought on my part in kept repeating strongly, loudly and clearly, like a repetitive buddhist mantra the words - "I don't want to die yet", - "I don't want to die yet". Those words were somehow very powerful, very emphatic. I suppose the subconscious mind was fighting to keep me alive and in fact had the effect of stopping me reaching out to death.

Despite the fact that one's mind is dominated by the technicolour images of the near death experience and the terrible physical struggle to survive, it is also possible to think other thoughts. Perhaps first of all came the thoughts of all the things I should have said to my wife before I was forced to part from her. I thought of all those intimate words of love, praise, encouragement that I should have said, and now - too late - I suddenly realised I had never said them and I was deeply upset that I would never have the opportunity of say them both to my wife and to my children. Then also came to mind the woman who is dying from motor neurone disease and who has recently been in the newspapers and on TV campaigning for euthanasia. She will die in due course when her chest muscle becomes paralysed - but with her mind in perfect working order - and like me in those hours, will choke to death. I now think that, when the time comes, she will, with the help of her sub-conscious mind, actually be able to reach out to death and slip quickly into oblivion and will find that there need be no prolonged struggle.

There is no word in our languages that adequately describes this near death state. "Hallucinate" somehow conveys the idea of a slightly insane daydream. "Vision" conveys the idea of a higher level 'Being' putting pictures into our minds. None of these words adequately describe this event. It is quite different to sleep where images wander in and out of our dreams uninvited. We have little power of control over our dreams and rarely remember the content for any length of time. In this near death state it was possible to hear and answer logically questions from the medical team working on me and at the same time the vivid near death experience continued undisturbed. Equally it was possible to think other thoughts at the same time, some of these came into the mind uninvited, others I brought into my mind deliberately. It is an experience quite different to sleep.

Another feature of this near death state was the loss of power to move one's limbs. I was struck with the desire to adjust the oxygen mask clamped over my face and tried to do this with my left arm. To my surprise I found it would not respond. I opened my eyes and looked at the arm and could see that despite the fact it had two plastic tubes attached to it there was absolutely no reason why it should not move up to my face. I tried again watching it all the time and by concentrating my thoughts on moving the arm I was able to make it rise very slowly up to my face. This movement took something like 10 seconds to achieve and the moment I stopped concentrating my mind the arm fell back to the bed and lay there totally limp. Again this caused me no distress or alarm, I simply recorded the fact that as death approached so one gradually lost the power to move one's limbs!

Somewhere, about 3 or 4 hours after getting into the emergency department of the hospital I began to feel that my breathing was beginning to get a little easier, the violent heaving of the chest and terrible gasping for breath become a little less laboured. Somehow they had managed to begin to lower the fluid level in the chest and breathing oxygen at the rate of 10 litres per minute actually began to take effect, so that by dawn the worst was over and the vivid near death image gradually faded away. I was moved out of the emergency room into a recovery ward. As each hour went by my breathing improved steadily.

As a result of this experience I have come to the conclusion that everyone will, when his turn comes, see death in a uniquely individual way. Death has the ability to adopt millions of different guises and will probably take the form that is most akin to our inner sub-conscious expectations. Thus a Muslim fundamentalist martyr may perhaps see it as a thousand virgins sitting in paradise waiting to welcome him. The Catholic may see it in the form of a Host of Angels. For others it may take the form of an out of body experience or a dark tunnel down which they move to a place of bright light. No matter what the imagery that accompanies death I am sure that it will offer us all exactly the same blessed and welcome release from pain, struggle, suffering and distress.

My experience does nothing to answer the eternal question - is there life after death? As I never quite made contact with death and did not have the opportunity to see what happens on the other side, I cannot claim to be able to prove or disprove the idea of life after death. It has however convinced me that all the accounts of near death experiences are really telling us about the inner sub-conscious mental expectations of the persons experiencing the event, rather than any great insight into life after death.

I have heard that medical experts claim that the mental "hallucinations" experienced in the near death state are caused by the lack of oxygen in the brain, but as I was administered vast quantities of oxygen from the moment that the ambulance arrived and the "hallucinations" did not start until after I had been in the hospital for some little while I do not accept this explanation.

I have always heard that a person in a coma can frequently hear everything said around them even though they cannot in anyway respond. As I have no experience of being in a coma I cannot confirm this, but I believe that a person in a coma (but not suffering any intense pain or distress) can very probably hear anything said in his close proximity. In the near death state I did not hear anything the medical team said to each other when they were working on me, but I did hear them when they spoke to me. The combination of pain and the powerful death image dominates the senses so that in order to communicate with someone in this state it is necessary to touch or hold the person on the arm, hand or shoulder and speak close to the car. The combination of touch and voice enable clear communication. I imagine that when in coma, but without great pain or distress, the words reach the person far more easily but I am convinced that touch plays a major part and should always be used when faced with this type of situation.

Lastly I would emphasize that even a simple message brings great pleasure to the person in this state. When my wife eventually left the hospital after sitting for hours whilst the team worked on me, she touched me and simply said "I am going home now, but I will be come in the morning to see you again". At once I found myself looking forward to her visit and this feeling of anticipation buoyed up my spirits during the long hours when the struggle to breathe made sleep impossible.

by Robin Clay

NB. Written 21st September, 1996. This item was handed to P9 for inclusion.

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